I’m conflicted about writing this review for Fantastic Four. I have little more to say than what most viewers have already said. I kinda feel bad about making fun of it at all because this movie’s just not all there in the head, man. Eyewitnesses to the disastrous production suggest the sophomore movie director was suffering from a massive breakdown. There were reports some of the cast and crew were showing up to the set on drugs and alcohol, but I wonder if anybody was sober.

Even knowing the film’s storied production history doesn’t explain its choices. You don’t see the Fantastic Four get their powers until an hour in. They barely use the powers until the anti-climactic battle with the film’s villain, who is dispatched as quickly as he’s introduced. Among the strangest creative decisions is the Thing (Jamie Bell) doesn’t wear any pants. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s because the CGI department wasn’t good enough to animate cloth.

Fantastic Four is the kind of movie in which a high school genius, Reed Richards (Miles Teller), builds a functioning teleporter and somehow gets disqualified from the science fair. Immediately after, Richards is approached by government scientists, one of whom is Susan Storm (Kate Mara). The scientists reveal they’re also experimenting with teleportation, but they can’t bring their test subjects back the way Richards can.

Naturally, Richards is given a job on the project, but we learn the obligatory g-men in movies like this are clueless about the real world applications for what would be the most amazing invention in human history. If anyone actually invented teleportation technology, the real governments of the world would drool all over it. The screenwriters, however, seem hellbent on throwing illogical adversities at their characters because a 2-day screenwriting course told them to “include lots of conflict.”

Soon after Richards is recruited, the film introduces Victor von Doom, whose dumb speeches are about as poignant as Jaden Smith’s tweets. Previous screen versions of Doctor Doom got a lot more right than this one. Trank’s version would have us believe the villain is a genius even though he seems more like a tech bro whose parents still pay for his World of Warcraft subscription.

There’s no good reason for Doom to even be in this movie, just a sloppy excuse. What’s worse is he and Richards are both madly in love with Sue (yawn), which creates a love triangle nobody wanted. This plot thread leads absolutely nowhere as Doom later tries to crush Sue to death… and if that’s not true love, I don’t know what is. Come to think of it, hardly anything they set up has any payoff or resolution.

Other comic book adaptations would have given us at least one action sequence early on. This one doesn’t unless you count a one-minute car chase involving Johnny Storm (Michael B. Jordan) about twenty minutes in. It’s a bold move which might have paid off in a better movie that actually cared about its characters. This movie doesn’t. For example, Ben Grimm appears early on to help Richards construct his science fair experiment, but exits the stage until it’s time for him to transform into the Thing.

Nearly an hour into the movie, the four male characters get drunk and take an unauthorized trip through the teleporter. You’ll be happy something is finally happening, and there’s some decent body horror involved, but what’s insulting is no one thinks to take Sue along, whose contributions to the project were supposedly crucial. I actually found the alternate dimension scenes to be enjoyable, but this stuff should have happened ten minutes in, not halfway through. Just when the movie nearly hooked me, it jumps one year into the future.

Kids won’t like this movie because it takes so long to get to the good stuff. Adults won’t like it unless they’ve never seen a movie before. Part of what drew me to Jack Kirby’s source material was the fact that, with the exception of Johnny, the Fantastic Four were seasoned adults who at least tried to make scientifically rational decisions. With actors as young as these, it reeks of studio interference. To this day, Roger Corman’s infamously cheap production is the most genuine Fantastic Four of all. At the very least it gave us age-appropriate actors and didn’t completely rewrite the mythology to be dark and cynical.

Fantastic Four is the second most represented title in my childhood comic book collection. Obviously I love the comics, but I’m beginning to suspect their powers (particularly Richards’) are just too goofy for live action. I would not be the least bit surprised if the inevitable reboot is just as floppy. Of all the weird decisions this movie makes, I can’t believe they actually include sequel bait at the end of this one. That’s hilariously optimistic.