“It’s a few hours until dawn.”
“We’re not going to be alive to see it.”
When the credits rolled, many applauded. Teenagers were so engaged, I didn’t see a single phone screen light up. As I made my way out the doors, I overheard a much older woman tell a friend, “I didn’t care much for the gore, but I just loved the supernatural elements.” I don’t know if that says more about the movie or the changing times, but we’ve come a long ways since the original Evil Dead ended up on the infamous Video Nasties list. I felt somewhat baffled as I made my way out to the car. One thing kept repeating in my head: That’s it?
Look, I’m probably in the wrong here as this movie is doing gangbusters. Intellectually, I know Evil Dead 2013 isn’t a bad movie. It may be exemplary for the kind of horror we’ve been getting lately. The trailers played before the film can attest to the fact: Hollywood horror is in a dull, joyless rut at the moment. I always loved Evil Dead films (when I was a kid I went as Ash for Halloween two years in a row) so it’s disappointing to report I never felt moved—even as everyone around me reacted to the jump-scares. I think I would have enjoyed it much more if it weren’t an Evil Dead movie.
This time, most of the five characters who end up at the infamous cabin in the woods are cardboard cutouts. The main character, Mia (Jane Levy), is a heroin addict who’s trying to kick the habit through seclusion. As expected, an ancient tome is found, incantations are spoken, and an evil is unleashed via flying photography. Despite the great special effects (they promised no CGI, but I feel that’s not entirely true) I just don’t care when a character cuts her tongue in two or when someone dismembers a friend.
Chekhov’s Gun states: If a gun is shown in the first act, it must be fired by the end of the third. Here it’s a nailgun, an electric carving knife, and a cellar step that’s going to break exactly when we expect it to. I’m not giving anything away. You’ll see it coming from a mile away, too.
I feel like I just left a funeral. Bruce Campbell recently announced they’re making Army of Darkness 2, but I’ve heard that one so many times I won’t hold my breath. Their tentative plans to make an Evil Dead 2 in this universe and combine the subsequent sequel with Army of Darkness 3 (yes, part 3) isn’t clever, it’s confusing. And let’s face it: it’s not gonna happen, either.
I gotta admit, though: Mia picked a hell of a day to quit heroin.
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