Month: March 2014

Splice isn’t what you think it is

Behold: the birth of a human-designed creature! It’s the second of its kind—a gross, slimy monstrosity about the size of a football. The scientists responsible, who happen to be dating, are Elsa and Clive (Sarah Polly and Adrien Brody). They drive a Gremlin. They eat pizza at work (because movie scientists always eat pizza). They think their designer creature is cute. And this will become relevant later on: Clive wants kids while Elsa doesn’t mind waiting.

The scientists are on the cusp of curing all the bad things that tend to happen to the human body. Naturally, bureaucrats conspire to take the project away. The scientists’ lofty goals simply aren’t profitable to the company’s investors. Polly pushes forward with the research anyway. It results in something that resembles a human fetus outside the womb. Now they’ve got something on their hands that was highly unethical to make in the first place. Getting rid of it is even more so.

The scientists attempt to keep the creature a secret, but this causes one complication after another. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll be waiting for the routine horror stuff to begin any second. Thankfully, the movie doesn’t become routine until the last seven minutes or so. By then, it’s earned it. Its horror is bizarre, cerebral, and wonderfully gross a lá David Cronenberg’s The Fly. The “monster” (and I’m really trying not to give too much away here) has more in common with Frankenstein’s than you might suspect.

So do you like body horror? This picture’s got it. You like dance scenes? There’s a pretty unique one, I guess you could say. You like movies that really aren’t for the faint of heart? Then step right up. Sure, sometimes you kinda know where it’s going, but that’s part of the fun: watching characters on a slow motion collision course with outcomes that could have been easily avoided earlier, but can’t be avoided now.

You control your farts well: South Park: The Stick of Truth

A game of pure imagination is in full swing in the quiet little mountain town of South Park, Colorado. All the neighborhood boys are wearing the best costumes they could cobble together with household items. They’ve split into two warring factions: the drow elves and the humans, the latter of which is led by The Wizard King, Eric Cartman. It is the humans who initially recruit you, the new kid in town, to protect the titular Stick of Truth. “For whoever controls the stick, controls the universe.”

Back in the 90s, there were a few Beavis & Butt-Head games. The Sega Genesis version wasn’t bad, but when burping and farting are your primary attacks, the novelty wore off quick. I had concerns Stick of Truth would end up in the same category—once again, burps and farts are part of your arsenal. I’m not above toilet humor (to this day, Beavis & Butt-Head are still deeply ingrained in my heart), but few games can do it with charm.

South Park is nothing if not charming. Take, for example, Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. He lives in the sewers. His wife is an angry alcoholic. One of his kids was born with a nut in his head. Yet Mr. Hankey simply has the right attitude about life, you know? I know a lot of people who are a lot less pleasant to be around than Mr. Hankey. You could say they’re bigger pieces of shit than an actual piece of shit. The pearl clutching critics of the 90s who accused South Park of being vapid simply weren’t paying attention.

Yeah, I just I wrote an entire paragraph about turds. That’s South Park, for ya: gross, but charming. Cartman is my generation’s Archie Bunker, the most politically incorrect, irredeemable idiot since Al Bundy. Meanwhile, The Simpsons have lost steam and Family Guy was never my cup of tea in the first place. Despite occasional misfires, South Park as a whole remains fresh, no doubt because the turn-around for each episode is so short they can be as topical as a weekly newscast.

The Stick of Truth isn’t topical, but neither was the movie, Bigger, Longer & Uncut. Considering how long it takes to produce large movies and video games, it’s understandable. Luckily, South Park remains funny without its trademark, hot-off-the-presses references. It may even be funnier than the movie, which I’ve seen numerous times. More to the point: if you like South Park, you’ll like the game.

Despite being in their mid-forties, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the co-creators of South Park, appear to be more in touch with their childhoods than most twenty year olds. Whereas so many describe the duo as “irreverent,” it’s obvious there’s a special place in their hearts for the days when kids could play outside for all hours of the day, making up the rules as they go along. It’s played for laughs, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t work.

As for authenticity, cutscenes are virtually indistinguishable from the show. The gameplay blends in seamlessly. We’ve come a long way since the 2000s, when the obligatory games that licensed the IP operated more or less independently of the showrunners. I can’t imagine a better case scenario for a South Park game. At a little longer than ten hours long, The Stick of Truth leaves me wanting more. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for many sequels.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go work on my sneaky squeeker.