Man of Steel is what you get when too-cool-for-school movie director Zack Synder has too little confidence in a pop cultural icon who’s been around longer than anyone reading this. Give me old-fashioned Spandex and red briefs any day of the week. In due time, this blundered attempt at modernizing the hero will prove as dorky as elastic-cuffed jeans and fanny packs. If you want dark and gritty, here’s an idea: Don’t make a Superman movie, jackass.

Conversely, the trailers for Richard Donner’s Superman promised optimism: “You’ll believe a man can fly!” There was so much love poured into that 1979 film, it was bursting at the seams with magic. When Superman takes Lois on her first flight? That’s my favorite movie scene of all time. They made no attempt to modernize (read: dilute) the only thing fans wanted to see: the real Superman on the silver screen. Watching Man of Steel, which attempts to compensate for its weaknesses with exhausting action, one gets the sense the filmmakers would be embarrassed to be seen with the real Superman in public.

The film isn’t all bad—in fact, it’s far from the worst Superman movie. I’ve gotta hand it to the casting department: Henry Cavill would be the perfect Superman in a competent movie. Russell Crowe and Michael Shannon are best case scenarios for Jor-El and General Zod. Diane Lane is far too young and attractive to play Martha Kent, but great at what she does nonetheless. Meanwhile, Kevin Costner seems bored to be here… and when they have him needlessly murdered by a tornado of all things, can you blame him? (That scene will surely become as hotly debated as the door in Titanic.)

I am beyond sick of Hollywood retreading origin stories every American already knows, but the early scenes set on Krypton are fantastic. The special effects and the action there are breathtaking. The entire movie should have been taken place on Krypton as far as I’m concerned. After a sequence like that, the audience needs a breather. Instead, Snyder immediately throws more carnage and destruction at us two minutes later. I am not exaggerating that time frame.

This is all to say this movie is full of shit. You’ve got military jets and alien invasions and far too many shots of people running away from CGI destruction. Nothing about it feels like Superman, but I guess it’s the Superman we deserve when we keep voting for this shit with our wallets. The inevitable sequels really ought to focus on Martha and Lois a little bit more and Snyder really needs to chill the fuck out.