Neil Breen’s Double Down

As Rich Evans proves in the video above, it’s impossible to explain Double Down’s plot. I’ll do my best.

Neil Breen stars as a Mary Sue who eats a steady diet of tuna while living on the lam. He has an arsenal of laptops, cell phones, and consumer satellite dishes. Bad guys want to kill him just because. The government wants to kill him, but if he dies then bombs in seven major cities will explode and only he knows where the bombs are hidden. At one point he cures a little girl’s cancer (don’t ask) before smearing anthrax on a random pedestrian’s arm. “Oops,” he says.

His wife (they met and fell in love at age 7) has been murdered by… I don’t know. There are many attempts put on his life by… I don’t know. If repeatedly asking the screen “What the fuck?” is your idea of a good time, then here’s the movie for you.

Look, it’s more than obvious why movies like Toxic Avenger and Ninja III: The Domination are considered cult classics. Double Down? Not so much. Without Red Letter Media’s hilarious review of the film (see the full version of the review here), Double Down probably wouldn’t have found its way into the clearance bin at Big Lots.

I like cult films because they reliably give us what Hollywood is often too prude to show: shamelessly gratuitous action and fun. There’s an honest purity in good B movies. Double Down has none of the hallmarks of a good B movie. The only thing remarkable about it is it’s terrible. Does that alone make it a cult classic? Well, maybe, but it’s just not my type of cult classic. Frankly, I just think it’s a lot more fascinating when a big budget Hollywood movie (such as Fantastic Four) goes off the rails than a movie that was doomed to suck from the get-go.

I finally saw Double Down a couple weeks ago when /r/badmovies had their interactive movie marathon. I had a blast during the first two films, but my enthusiasm plunged during Double Down. Sure, I laughed roughly as much as I groaned, but where were the ninjas? The over-the-top henchmen? The scenes of titillating passion? This isn’t an exciting movie. Yes, it’s fascinating this average Joe got the movie made and seen by so many people, but wasn’t that just a fluke?

Again, I completely understand why there are fans of this material and I’m certainly not saying there’s anything wrong with that—seriously, just look back at some of the shit I gave favorable reviews. I just prefer to laugh with movies, that’s all. If I’m going to laugh at a movie I’d rather laugh at lazy Hollywood cash-grabs (such as Fantastic Four) than an aspiring filmmaker who probably had good intentions. Probably.

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